Reflecting on 2011

Well, here we are at the end of another year, like the odometer turning past zero again, most of us look at this as a new start. We tend to reflect on what happened this year and what we want to change or see happen in the next. These reflections tend to lead to resolutions that make tomorrow. I will share here (as I have in the past) what has happened this year and tomorrow, I will post what goals I have in the coming year.

This year has been a pretty bad year for me. I have been battling an evil monster all year long that has nearly won, but since I am of a survivor personality, I will get through it. I may not be unscathed from this war, but I will surely wear my war wounds proudly – once I get through it. That monster is known more commonly as depression.

It started the first week of December of 2010 with a particular creditor taking ¾ of my take-home pay each week. At first I tried to ignore the action and will it away, but that didn't happen. I finally called them and started to work with them once I had my water shut off in April. We reached a payment agreement (or so I thought) and we went on with life with a little more of my paycheck but still a little poorer than usual. Since my pay is the only income in the house, we were already just treading and now the ship was sitting a lot lower in the water.

Then, in May, Lisi decided that she wanted to move back to Arizona. She wasn't happy here and wanted to pursue her dreams. I reluctantly gave in and gave my blessings to that. As the captain of the sinking ship, I threw her to the life raft and went on – no sense in her going down with the ship.

June came and the start of summer. Time that we would normally be spending exploring the wonders of this part of the country were suspended because of the financial situation. As a wanderlust, traveling around is a huge happy place for me and because I couldn't go, I was mired a bit deeper into the fight with depression.

Another blow in June was reading the local newspaper that I was going to have to find a new place to live. The city has been working on creating an open drainage channel – recreating a natural creek that ran through this part of town before the early 1900's – for the past 3 or 4 years. We were reassured several times by the city and the landlady that the house where we live was safe from the wreaking ball, but the city changed their mind and started the process of acquiring this property and a couple others around us. The kicker was that I learned of this via a newspaper story and not from the landlady (she missed the newspaper story and learned of it from me). Nice that city didn't even ask for our input. Another battle score for the beast.

July arrived all too quickly and I ticked off another milestone of my life – I turned 42. My understanding of life is that I should be in the happiest of years (think of Douglas Adams and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy here), yet, I instead went deeper into my battle. Three days after my birthday, another tragedy – flood.

July 27th at approximately 6pm local time, the rains started at a rate of about an inch per hour. Because our town is quite hilly, a lot of water like that quickly fills creeks and washes. By 7pm, we started getting 1 ¼ inch hail and even more rain. The hail lasted about 30 minutes, but I was unscathed by it (save one small spot on the truck roof on the passenger side). The rain continued and I eventually figured that the rain was slowed and we were okay, so I fell asleep around midnight. At 12:30 the neighbor came over to announce that my truck that was parked in the street was floating away. That is when I looked outside to see three feet of water in the street and cars floating about. My truck was still somewhat safe, but I decided to move it before it did float. In 12 hours, we had over 15 inches of rain dumped on us. I spent the next 3 days pumping basements and replacing water heaters and sump pumps all over town. Score another for depression and his counterpart exhaustion.

I survived August and thought I had survived September, but then on the last day of the month, I was involved in a stupid accident at work. Honestly, I thought I was going to lose my job, but – for some odd reason – I still have my job, barely.

At the end of October, Lisi left here for Phoenix. Sadness and a major tailspin into the depths of depression. I honestly thought that the pit couldn't get any lower, but then that creditor that I was making payments to, seized my bank account. If I hadn't already felt like Job from the Bible, I surely felt like it now. I just held onto the hope that I would survive it through the end of the year.

November and December have rolled through here and all seems okay.

I honestly believe I can make it. I have been focused on things that give me a sense of fulfillment and enjoy doing. I have started getting back into genealogy and photography as well as focusing on amateur radio (which I attained another milestone by passing the test for the highest class license in October). I have also been working on defining who I am and where I am wanting to be in life, instead of just surviving each day.

I have also been blessed to have a dear, dear friend that is helping me focus on my battle. I have made some progress in pulling myself up out of this hole and working on fighting the good fight against depression. I am not as reclusive as I was just a couple months ago and I will eventually be coming out of my shell a bit more. It is a daily toil and, even though there have been and will be small setbacks, overall, I am getting better.

There are most assuredly changes that are about. I will continue with the good in my life and getting rid of the 'garbage' that haunts me and brings me down. Some of those changes will be bittersweet and tough to make, but I have to make them in order to become a better person to those around me and, most importantly to myself. More on those tomorrow – in the new year.

Take care today and tonight as you celebrate the passing of the time from 2011 to 2012. Be safe and sane and I will see you all again next year. That, I promise.

Zonie

How Hard Is It? Really?

"Life isn't fair!"
"I can't do that because I don't have..."
"That's impossible!"

Now, be honest with yourself and think of how many times in your life you have said one or more of those. I know for a fact that I have said all of them countless times in my own life. However, I really have no reason to say those things - not after watching this video (and others on YouTube and Nick's websites), because I now see that I CAN do it if I put one foot in front of the other, step forward and try to do it.

Nick was born without limbs. His story is amazing and powerful.

Please take a couple minutes of your day to watch this video and see if it doesn't change your outlook on life.

For more information, please visit his website at Lifewithoutlimbs.org or Attitudeisaltitude.com.

Thanks to Auntie D for sending this my way.

How Work Gets Done

Something that was shown to me this week that I really feel everyone should see and understand:



There are three options with every job, but you can only have two. If you want the job done cheap and right, it isn't going to be fast. Right and fast will not be cheap. Cheap and fast will not be right.

These are facts that rule any work that you ever have done, whether it be web design, plumbing, construction, or anything for that matter.

Perspective is Everything

Living in the Upper Mississippi River Valley, we have a wide range of weather. Our climate affords us temps that are well below zero in the dead of winter and in the upper 90's in the heat of the summer.

This winter has been a bit on the colder side of our norm and there has been more snow this winter in comparison to the average. Though it is hard for a desert rat like myself to get adjusted and acquainted with, you learn to cope and adjust by wearing the proper amount of layered clothing and the right thicknesses depending on the weather conditions. For me, this can include a pair of sweats, a pair of cotton socks, a pair of thermal socks, jeans, long sleeve shirt, undershirt, second sweat shirt with hood, insulated coveralls, insulated boots, jacket and gloves. I also take with me extra socks, gloves, knit cap and a head sock - the latter of which is probably the best piece of winter gear that I have ever come across. When I leave for work in the morning, I look like the 'Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man' and it is extremly difficult to bend over and tie my boots up. It is a ritual, but a neccessary one.

Each morning, I get out of bed, check the weather and my email and then turn on the weather radio and listen to the National Weather Service report and forecast. Based on that, I determine what layers I dress in and what I can forego. For the past few weeks, I have had to wear all this clothing as we have been below freezing and I work either outside or spend an extraordinary amount of time outside. This morning was not an exception as the temp was only 20°F so hurridly I threw on all my layers. It didn't hit me until I was getting in the car outside that I was a little more toasty than I thought I should have been.

A valuable lesson was learned this morning. I have even joked in recent days that we were going to have a heatwave and that I should break out my shorts, but I never imagined it to be true. What I didn't figure into the equation of what to wear was the difference in temp. Yes, it was only 20°F, but it was 30° warmer than yesterday. Comparing the temp this morning when I left for work to yesterday when I left, we WERE in a heat wave.

I know that my ideal comfort temp is around 70°F - same as most people. If I was to add 30° to that, I would be baking like when I was in Phoenix. Take 30° away from that and I am looking for a little more clothing. This I completely understand, but I just was not ready for the surreal experience I had this morning with temps below freezing and the idea that I would have been comfortable with a long sleeve shirt and pants.

Something else that hit me while I was driving to work is the teperature differential over the course of a year here and in Phoenix. From the coldest low in the winter to the hottest day in the summer, here in Dubuque that is a 115° difference. In Phoenix, it is only a 75° difference.

Now, If I could just convince myself that perspective is everything in the summer.

Reality Check

There are times in our lives that we get so complacent in the mundane that we forget what is real and what we are supposed to be doing. We think that our daily grind is what we are supposed to be doing, when yet there comes a knock or a phone call that really jolts us back to reality.

That is the way it was on Tuesday. I had been harried by work, which only makes a bad day of work even worse. I was a bit down because of the decision that I had to make because the candidate I was supporting for president had dropped out of the race. I was dealing with the cold and the fact that not only is it cold outside, but it is cold inside, too. I was struggling with a decision that my boss made that I thoroughly disagree with. Top it off with the mental anguish that I really want to be doing something totally different with my life, but that I seem to be mired in the quicksand of life and stuck on just about every project that I have started.

I really thought it couldn't get any worse, then I got that phone call from 'Reality' that has made me stop and look at everything in a new perspective - the right perspective.

I met Stephanie in January 2005 through an online group back in Phoenix. The group is all about friendship, kinship and helping others. More times that not, we are that soft shoulder for each other to cry on, that well needed hug and a sympathetic ear to listen. We laugh together and we cry together. We may not always agree, but we are friends. Ironically enough, the group is about 90+% women and yet, I am accepted. Funny is that I am the appointed "Shining Knight and Protector" in the group - a title that I have enjoyed and had to use on a few occasions.

Stephanie and I met for coffee on a few occasions, chatted on the phone a couple times and spent countless sessions together on instant messaging. She was my big sister and friend and more times that I can even count, she was there to bring me back to reality when I was going off the deep end. We had not been as close of friends since both of our families moved on from Phoenix to different parts of the Midwest, but we still emailed each other occasionally and still shared Christmas cards. This Christmas, it was a 'Santa on a Harley' card - as soon as I saw it on the wall where Lisi had put it, I chuckled and knew before looking inside that it was from her. That was Stephanie. Each morning since that card arrived, I have looked at it on my way out the door to go to work and it is a reminder that she is there for me if I need her.

That phone call the other night came from a mutual friend of ours. The news was shocking and totally from out in left field. It was something that completely caught me off guard. My friend Stephanie had passed away.

Stephanie was barely 40. She was, for the most part, in great health. Sure, she had some problems years ago, but had moved on and been doing great from what I know. Now she is gone from our presence and, though I have dealt with death all my life to the point of being content with it, her passing hits me pretty hard for a lot of reasons.

Though she is gone, I will still have her in my heart and my memories. I will probably be reeling from this for a bit, but I know that I will all too soon have the worries of the weather and work and dreams put on a shelf, but I am hoping that - like she would always do - Stephanie will jolt me back to what is real in life and keep me looking straight at what I need to focus on.

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone

Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(from Michael W. Smith's "Friends")