Well, here we are at the end of another year, like the odometer turning past zero again, most of us look at this as a new start. We tend to reflect on what happened this year and what we want to change or see happen in the next. These reflections tend to lead to resolutions that make tomorrow. I will share here (as I have in the past) what has happened this year and tomorrow, I will post what goals I have in the coming year.
This year has been a pretty bad year for me. I have been battling an evil monster all year long that has nearly won, but since I am of a survivor personality, I will get through it. I may not be unscathed from this war, but I will surely wear my war wounds proudly – once I get through it. That monster is known more commonly as depression.
It started the first week of December of 2010 with a particular creditor taking ¾ of my take-home pay each week. At first I tried to ignore the action and will it away, but that didn't happen. I finally called them and started to work with them once I had my water shut off in April. We reached a payment agreement (or so I thought) and we went on with life with a little more of my paycheck but still a little poorer than usual. Since my pay is the only income in the house, we were already just treading and now the ship was sitting a lot lower in the water.
Then, in May, Lisi decided that she wanted to move back to Arizona. She wasn't happy here and wanted to pursue her dreams. I reluctantly gave in and gave my blessings to that. As the captain of the sinking ship, I threw her to the life raft and went on – no sense in her going down with the ship.
June came and the start of summer. Time that we would normally be spending exploring the wonders of this part of the country were suspended because of the financial situation. As a wanderlust, traveling around is a huge happy place for me and because I couldn't go, I was mired a bit deeper into the fight with depression.
Another blow in June was reading the local newspaper that I was going to have to find a new place to live. The city has been working on creating an open drainage channel – recreating a natural creek that ran through this part of town before the early 1900's – for the past 3 or 4 years. We were reassured several times by the city and the landlady that the house where we live was safe from the wreaking ball, but the city changed their mind and started the process of acquiring this property and a couple others around us. The kicker was that I learned of this via a newspaper story and not from the landlady (she missed the newspaper story and learned of it from me). Nice that city didn't even ask for our input. Another battle score for the beast.
July arrived all too quickly and I ticked off another milestone of my life – I turned 42. My understanding of life is that I should be in the happiest of years (think of Douglas Adams and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy here), yet, I instead went deeper into my battle. Three days after my birthday, another tragedy – flood.
July 27th at approximately 6pm local time, the rains started at a rate of about an inch per hour. Because our town is quite hilly, a lot of water like that quickly fills creeks and washes. By 7pm, we started getting 1 ¼ inch hail and even more rain. The hail lasted about 30 minutes, but I was unscathed by it (save one small spot on the truck roof on the passenger side). The rain continued and I eventually figured that the rain was slowed and we were okay, so I fell asleep around midnight. At 12:30 the neighbor came over to announce that my truck that was parked in the street was floating away. That is when I looked outside to see three feet of water in the street and cars floating about. My truck was still somewhat safe, but I decided to move it before it did float. In 12 hours, we had over 15 inches of rain dumped on us. I spent the next 3 days pumping basements and replacing water heaters and sump pumps all over town. Score another for depression and his counterpart exhaustion.
I survived August and thought I had survived September, but then on the last day of the month, I was involved in a stupid accident at work. Honestly, I thought I was going to lose my job, but – for some odd reason – I still have my job, barely.
At the end of October, Lisi left here for Phoenix. Sadness and a major tailspin into the depths of depression. I honestly thought that the pit couldn't get any lower, but then that creditor that I was making payments to, seized my bank account. If I hadn't already felt like Job from the Bible, I surely felt like it now. I just held onto the hope that I would survive it through the end of the year.
November and December have rolled through here and all seems okay.
I honestly believe I can make it. I have been focused on things that give me a sense of fulfillment and enjoy doing. I have started getting back into genealogy and photography as well as focusing on amateur radio (which I attained another milestone by passing the test for the highest class license in October). I have also been working on defining who I am and where I am wanting to be in life, instead of just surviving each day.
I have also been blessed to have a dear, dear friend that is helping me focus on my battle. I have made some progress in pulling myself up out of this hole and working on fighting the good fight against depression. I am not as reclusive as I was just a couple months ago and I will eventually be coming out of my shell a bit more. It is a daily toil and, even though there have been and will be small setbacks, overall, I am getting better.
There are most assuredly changes that are about. I will continue with the good in my life and getting rid of the 'garbage' that haunts me and brings me down. Some of those changes will be bittersweet and tough to make, but I have to make them in order to become a better person to those around me and, most importantly to myself. More on those tomorrow – in the new year.
Take care today and tonight as you celebrate the passing of the time from 2011 to 2012. Be safe and sane and I will see you all again next year. That, I promise.
Zonie
